Have you seen the social media hashtag #metoo? It seems to have sprung up everywhere since American actor, Alyssa Milano tweeted:
Me too.
Suggested by a friend: ‘If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote “Me too” as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.’
Like thousands of other women around the world, I responded. Me too.
Sadly, I wasn’t surprised when several my friends and relatives did the same. But this particular post captures the heart of what happens when someone allows Jesus to intervene.
On behalf of so many others, thank you Lyn, for giving me permission to share it here.
I’m not posting this just so people can be aware of how big the problem of sexual harrassment/assault is. Yes it’s important to know the problem exists and how widespread it is. Yes it’s important that we speak up and do all we can to stop it.
But I’m posting for those who have had this happen to them – it’s important to know that your life doesn’t have to be forever defined by what happened. How do I know because I’ve been there. I was abused for many years by family members. What happened was real, horrific to go through and wrong on so many levels.
But what happened to me and to you does not have to define who you are; only you get to choose what defines you. You are the only one who can choose whether your identity is bound to what happened or you can choose whether your identity is found in who you are apart from that event or events. Your identity is not found in being “a victim of…” Your identity is found in who you are in your personality and character – are you honest, funny, kind, loving, giving, etc – that’s who you are, that’s your identity!
If you need help in processing what you’ve been through then please get help, don’t feel you are alone or have to go through this on your own. There are many good counsellors out there who are experienced in helping people and giving them the skills needed to move beyond this. Can I also suggest that there is true healing to be found – in the one who bore our griefs and sorrows in himself – Jesus. I know some of you will not agree with me speaking about Jesus but for myself I have found that as I have allowed him to bring comfort and healing that has been beyond mere learning how to cope, He has truly taken away all the sting and pain of the many years of abuse I suffered.
Remember – even though something horrific may have happened to you it doesn’t define you – you are still you, you are valued, loved and loveable, you are unique and precious and all of us need you to stand up and tell your story.
If you haven’t been through this yourself then please be aware that many have, please don’t stay silent – silence is part of what allows this hideous practice to continue.
If you’re a Christian then can I ask you – please reach out to those who are hurting and love them back to wholeness again. Grieve with those who grieve, pray with those who need prayer, and fight for those who can’t.
#metoo
Continuing on the #metoo theme for just a little longer. I am all too aware that sexual harassment and abuse is not confined to one sex only, it is not only women that are preyed upon; too many boys and young men are preyed upon by others (male and female) too.
Again I have seen this in my family growing up, some of my brothers were preyed upon by men who should have known better, who should have been the responsible adult yet whose sexual appetite ruled when their brain should have. As a result of the abuse we suffered as kids my family grew up having to deal with much brokenness, believing lies about ourselves, being tormented by memories and sometimes physical effects, wrong mindsets about who they were and with dysfunction in so many areas. Each of us responded differently but the trauma and pain is still evident for so many of us. And so the abuse continues – it did not end just because the physical part of it ended – it continues to have an effect in our family even today.
There are too many men who feel they cannot speak out for varying reasons – because their manhood would be questioned, they would be ashamed etc. So they live with brokenness and dysfunction, hoping no one finds out yet secretly hoping someone will recognise they need help.
As I said earlier I know of only one who bore our griefs and sorrows, taking them upon himself and in doing so made a way for us to be healed and that was Jesus. Can I ask, please if you need healing, consider reaching out and asking Jesus to bring you healing, he’s the only one I know who can.
Men – as I said in my earlier post today when I shared my personal story – even though something horrific may have happened to you it doesn’t need to define you – you are still you, you are valued, loved and loveable, you are unique and precious and all of us need you to stand up and tell your story.
If you haven’t been through this yourself then please be aware that many have, please don’t stay silent speak out against it; silence is part of what allows this hideous practice to continue.
If you’re a Christian then can I ask you – please reach out to those who are hurting and love them back to wholeness again. Grieve with those who grieve, pray with those who need prayer, and fight for those who can’t.
Andy and I have just come from the Auckland Prayer Breakfast where over 500 were gathered at Eden Park to pray for our city. It was truly amazing to worship God collectively and to pray fervently for issues that face our city and nation.
There were 4 prayers leaders and I was asked to speak on the area of Marriage and Family. I wanted to share what I spoke about because I feel that it’s relevant to each and every one of us.
“My husband Andy and I have been leading the ministry of FamilyLife for the last 24 years where our goal is to inspire and equip couples to stay successfully married for a lifetime. During that time, I have experienced God heal so many broken relationships …
Here’s what one husband said after attending our last marriage getaway:
“Where do I start? I thought we were coming to hopefully fix my wife! Turns out I had as many, if not more, issues than her. This has literally saved my marriage of 17 years. You have inspired me to give 100% not only to my wife but my children as well.”
Comments like these fuel my passion for building strong marriages and families … but you might be surprised to learn where that passion comes from.
It’s grown out of a messy upbringing. My mum has been divorced twice, along with two broken de-facto relationships (considering her background, there’s no wonder); I lived in an Air Force children’s home for a year, and throughout my teenage years I lived with guardians … who also divorced.
You probably all know the stats: with that background I was 5x more likely to commit suicide and 10x more likely to have psychological issues. And if Jesus hadn’t revealed Himself to me while at Uni I’m sure I would have succumbed to at least one of those.
A church initiative to help young students navigate life in a new city was a saving grace. A local church family kind of ‘adopted’ me while I studied for 3 years. I got to see first-hand how marriage and family is meant to work when God is present. I was invited round for Sunday lunches, family dinners and sleep-overs. Of course, with all the brokenness I’d seen I’d given up on the whole idea of marriage.
Now I had a completely different picture.
Fortunately, when Andy and I married we went to a FamilyLife weekend getaway and we learnt even more about how to build a marriage according to God’s Plan.
At that time, just one year into our young marriage, little did we know what we would face: 17 years of Andy on a kidney dialysis machine, 2 kidney transplants, cancer, a serious stroke, 2 heart attacks and the tragic death of our eldest daughter Natasha, at just 16 years old, in the Elim/OPC canyoning disaster in 2008.
Now why do I tell you all that?
When we share our own journey at our marriage events, without even being aware, we’ve been modelling to other couples, that despite serious challenges in life we can all still find deep significance and satisfaction in our marriage.
Think about this: Our marriages are taking place on a spiritual battlefield, not on a romantic balcony.
In Genesis, Satan targeted Adam and Eve – attempting to destroy their relationship with their creator and also with each other. And He is doing the same today.
We would all do well to remember this: My spouse is not my enemy!
Marriage is under attack as educators, politicians and the media try to redefine it. In fact, I can’t recall one Politician in this recent election who raised the idea that building strong marriages might just be one of the answers to so many problems that weigh down our country today.
Consider this:
We live in a beautiful country. It’s so majestic that New Zealand even has a nickname, Godzone. Isn’t that interesting when so many in this great land don’t know the God who created it. Those of us here who are married have one of the most amazing tools to tell people about God. It’s a marriage. A marriage built upon Jesus Christ.
Just as that church family modelled to me a different vision all those years ago, you too are modelling your marriage to others in your community. Your marriage is more significant than you may have thought.
By living out God’s principles for marriage in our own lives – in unconditional love, mutual respect, understanding and forgiveness, we are reflecting God to a younger generation who desperately needs Him.
Let’s each commit to rebuild the family in our spheres of influence, one marriage, one home at a time. May God grant us favour, not just in our own families but also in the lives of others – and may each of our legacies be mighty.”
Statistics released in 2016 by New Zealand Treasury indicate that in South Auckland communities like Manurewa and Papakura, the future looks bleak for 1 out of 4 children aged 14 and under.
That’s no surprise to Shawn Reddy, General Manager of Christian faith-based charity Te Whakaora Tangata (Life Restoration for the People). The organisation has issued a challenge to all Kiwi families to help break intergenerational cycles of family dysfunction in South Auckland. Happening on November 4th and 5th, Te Whakaora Tangata’s R3 Challenge is a “triathlon with a twist”. Participants row, ride (cycle) or run a total distance of 100km (or less if they choose) over a weekend, to raise funds to help restore, resource and reconnect South Auckland’s most at-risk families.
Te Whakaora Tanagata works with parents struggling with complex issues such as family violence, addictions, depression, criminal activity, and welfare dependency.
“Most of the whanau we work with have been physically and/or sexually abused, have court cases pending and/or have had children removed from their care,” says Mr Reddy.
Established as a charitable trust in 2010, Te Whakaora Tanagata supports 150-175 new, high-risk parents every year, directly impacting 300-400 vulnerable children. Their work is anchored in the facilitation of coaching to restore emotional well-being and critical family relationships in order to build resilience in the whanau, explains Mr Reddy…
Our work is focussed around three R’s – restoring relationships by addressing past trauma, resourcing parents with tools to live well; and reconnecting people with opportunities to study, work and give back to their community. So many families in this community are trapped in a cycle of dysfunction that is handed down from one generation to the next.
Te Whakaora Tangata is working hard to break those cycles, but ultimately credit God for the healing and transformation they see in people’s lives. “We are not your typical social service agency,” says Mr Reddy. “The gospel message is at the core of our work and relationships, and we rely completely on the transforming power of the Holy Spirit to restore these families – spirit, soul and body.”
The positive results of Te Whakaora’s programmes are hard to overlook, with many current and former clients openly sharing their stories of transformation.
“I recently came back to my family after being missing for a long time. I was hard out into drugs and lived the street life. I’ve tried anything and everything, but this is the only programme that’s every helped me,” says a Mother from Manurewa.
“Our son got taken off us so that’s why we’re here. We went to heaps of places to find a programme like Te Whakaora’s. We’re learning new ways to deal with things so we don’t have to hurt our kids,” says a South Auckland Father of three.
Since 2010, Te Whakaora has impacted more than 1,000 families, representing well over 2,000 vulnerable children.
“We’re aware that as a direct result of this work, over 100 suicides and thousands of domestic violence incidents have been prevented. 75% of our clients are off class ‘A’ drugs and more than 800 families are no longer considered high-risk. In other words, parents are now creating a stable home life for their children,” says Mr Reddy.
“The R3 Challenge is something all New Zealanders can participate in to help address the social issues which are so widely reported in the media,” says Mr Reddy. “One small charity, one church, one family, one person…can and does make a difference. The R3 Challenge is a wonderful opportunity to help disadvantaged parents take positive steps toward a better future.”
For more information about the Te Whakaora Tangata R3 Challenge, to register yourself or a team, or to donate… visit www.r3challenge.org.nz
In a centuries deep sea of clichés despairing that ‘prostitution will always be with us’, one country’s success stands out as a solitary beacon lighting the way. In just five years Sweden has dramatically reduced the number of its women in prostitution. In the capital city of Stockholm, the number of women in street prostitution has been reduced by two-thirds, and the number of johns has been reduced by 80%. There are other major Swedish cities where street prostitution has all but disappeared. Gone too, for the most part, are the renowned Swedish brothels and massage parlours which proliferated during the last three decades of the twentieth century when prostitution in Sweden was legal.
In addition, the number of foreign women now being trafficked into Sweden for sex is nil. The Swedish government estimates that in the last few years only 200 to 400 women and girls have been annually sex trafficked into Sweden, a figure that’s negligible compared to the 15,000 to 17,000 females yearly sex trafficked into neighbouring Finland.
No other country, nor any other social experiment, has come anywhere near Sweden’s promising results.
By what complex formula has Sweden managed this feat? Amazingly, Sweden’s strategy isn’t complex at all. It’s tenets, in fact, seem so simple and so firmly anchored in common sense as to immediately spark the question, “Why hasn’t anyone tried this before?”
Sweden’s Groundbreaking 1999 Legislation
In 1999, after years of research and study, Sweden passed legislation that a) criminalizes the buying of sex, and b) decriminalizes the selling of sex. The novel rationale behind this legislation is clearly stated in the government’s literature on the law:
In Sweden prostitution is regarded as an aspect of male violence against women and children. It is officially acknowledged as a form of exploitation of women and children and constitutes a significant social problem… gender equality will remain unattainable so long as men buy, sell and exploit women and children by prostituting them.
In addition to the two-pronged legal strategy, a third and essential element of Sweden’s prostitution legislation provides for ample and comprehensive social service funds aimed at helping any prostitute who wants to get out, and additional funds to educate the public. As such, Sweden’s unique strategy treats prostitution as a form of violence against women in which the men who exploit by buying sex are criminalized, the mostly female prostitutes are treated as victims who need help, and the public is educated in order to counteract the historical male bias that has long stultified thinking on prostitution. To securely anchor their view in firm legal ground, Sweden’s prostitution legislation was passed as part and parcel of the country’s 1999 omnibus violence against women legislation.
An Early Obstacle in the Path
Interestingly, despite the country’s extensive planning prior to passing the legislation, the first couple years into this novel project nothing much happened at all. Police made very few arrests of johns and prostitution in Sweden, which had previously been legalized, went on pretty much as it had gone on before. Naysayers, the world over responded to the much-publicized failure with raucous heckling, “See? Prostitution always has been, and it always will be.”
But eminently secure in the thinking behind their plan, the Swedes paid no heed. They quickly identified, then solved the problem. The hang-up, the place where their best efforts had snagged, was that law enforcement wasn’t doing its part. The police themselves, it was determined, needed in-depth training and orientation to what the Swedish public and legislature already understood profoundly. Prostitution is a form of male violence against women. The exploiter/buyers need to be punished, and the victim/prostitutes need to be helped. The Swedish government put up extensive funds and the country’s police and prosecutors, from the top ranks down to the officer on the beat, were given intensive training and a clear message that the country meant business. It was then that the country quickly began to see the unequalled results.
Prostitution is a form of male violence against women. The exploiter/buyers need to be punished, and the victim/prostitutes need to be helped.
Today, not only do the Swedish people continue to overwhelming support their country’s approach to prostitution (80% of people in favour according to national opinion polls), but the country’s police and prosecutors have also come around to be among the legislation’s staunchest supporters. Sweden’s law enforcement has found that the prostitution legislation benefits them in dealing with all sex crimes, particularly in enabling them to virtually wipe out the organized crime element that plagues other countries where prostitution has been legalized or regulated.
The Failure of Legalization and/or Regulation Strategies
This Swedish experiment is the single, solitary example in a significant sized population of a prostitution policy that works. In 2003, the Scottish government in looking to revamp its own approach to prostitution enlisted the University of London to do a comprehensive analysis of outcomes of prostitution policies in other countries. In addition to reviewing Sweden’s program, the researchers chose Australia, Ireland, and the Netherlands to represent various strategies of legalizing and/or regulating prostitution. The researchers did not review the situation where prostitution is criminalized across the board as it is in the US. The outcome of that approach is already well known. The failures and futility of the revolving door of arresting and re-arresting prostitutes is all too familiar the world over.
But the outcomes, as revealed in the Univ. of London study, in the states under review that had legalized or regulated prostitution were found to be just as discouraging or even more discouraging than the traditional all round criminalization. In each case, the results were dramatic in the negative.
Legalization and/or regulation of prostitution, according to the study, led to:
A dramatic increase in all facets of the sex industry,
A dramatic increase in the involvement of organized crime in the sex industry,
A dramatic increase in child prostitution,
An explosion in the number of foreign women and girls trafficked into the region, and
Indications of an increase in violence against women.
In the state of Victoria, Australia, where a system of legalized, regulated brothels was established, there was such an explosion in the number of brothels that it immediately overwhelmed the system’s ability to regulate them, and just as quickly these brothels became a mire of organized crime, corruption, and related crimes. In addition, surveys of the prostitutes working under systems of legalization and regulation find that the prostitutes themselves continue to feel coerced, forced, and unsafe in the business.
A survey of legal prostitutes under the showcase Netherlands legalization policy finds that 79% say they want to get out of the sex business. And though each of the legalization/regulation programs promised help for prostitutes who want to leave prostitution, that help never materialized to any meaningful degree. In contrast, in Sweden, the government followed through with ample social services funds to help those prostitutes who wanted to get out. 60% of the prostitutes in Sweden took advantage of the well-funded programs and succeeded in exiting prostitution.
* The full Scottish government report on prostitution policies can be seen at www.scottish.parliament.uk
So Why Hasn’t Anyone Tried This Before?
Why, then, with Sweden’s success so clearly lighting the way, aren’t others quickly adopting the plan? Well, some are. Both Finland and Norway are on the verge of making the move. And if Scotland takes the advice of its own study, it will go in that direction too. But, the answer to the question of why other countries aren’t jumping to adopt Sweden’s plan is probably the same as the answer to the question of why governments haven’t tried Sweden’s solution before.
In order to see prostitutes as victims of male coercion and violence, it requires that a government first switch from seeing prostitution from the male point of view to the female point of view. And most, if not virtually all, countries of the world still see prostitution and every other issue from a predominantly male point of view.
Sweden, in contrast, has led the way in promoting equality for women for a very long time. In 1965, for example, Sweden criminalized rape in marriage. Even by the 1980’s, there were states in the United States that still hadn’t made that fundamental recognition of women’s rights to control her own body. The Swedish government also stands out in having the highest proportion of women at all levels of government. In 1999, when Sweden passed its groundbreaking prostitution legislation, the Swedish Parliament was composed of nearly 50% women.
Sweden’s prostitution policy was first designed and lobbied for by Sweden’s organization of women’s shelters and was then fostered and fought for by a bipartisan effort of Sweden’s uniquely powerful and numerous female parliamentarians. Nor has Sweden stopped there. In 2002, Sweden passed additional legislation bolstering the original prostitution legislation. The 2002 Act Prohibiting Human Trafficking for the Purpose of Sexual Exploitation closed some of the loopholes in the earlier legislation and further strengthened the government’s ability to go after the network of persons that surround and support prostitution, such as the recruiters, the transporters, and the hosts.
And Why Can’t We Copy Sweden’s Success Here?
While it’s probably true that we and other countries are still much more steeped in patriarchal darkness than Sweden, there’s no reason we can’t push now for the policy changes that Sweden has made. The beauty of it is that once the ground has been broken and the proof of success has been established, it should be ever much easier to convince others to go down that path.
Feel free to photocopy and distribute this information as long as you keep the credit and text intact.
This article comes from The Conversation, an independent source of news and views, sourced from the academic and research community and delivered directly to the public.
This UK ‘experiment’ is a wonderful example of bringing our communities together for the benefit of all. A timely lesson for western cultures.
What happened when we introduced four-year-olds to an old people’s home
It does wonders for the health and mood of the elderly.
Lying on the floor pretending to roar like a lion can do wonders for an elderly man’s well-being. That’s not a scientific fact, but it was one of the surprising and memorable moments we observed while making a television program which introduced a group of very young people with residents of a retirement village.
The two episodes of Old People’s Home for 4 Year Olds set out to explore the increasing isolation of older people within our communities.
The impact of young children and older people sharing daytime care facilities has already been shown to be generally positive. But this was the first time an experiment was undertaken within the UK to measure the impact of inter-generational interaction on the health and happiness of the older group.
Ten four-year-old children and 11 people in their late 80s were brought together for six weeks in a new nursery set within a retirement community in the city of Bristol. Before we started, the elderly participants were measured on their cognition, mood and depression, as well as physical abilities including balance and the ability to get up and walk (“Timed Up and Go”). These measurements were taken again at three weeks and once more at the end of the six-week programme.
The programme consisted of a timetable of activities in which the two generations were given time and space to engage physically and socially. It included games, occasionally requiring individuals to get down on and off the floor, walking outdoors, picnicking and participating in indoor activities using a variety of craft and art work. The final week also included an inter-generational sports day and a short theatrical production.
After three weeks, the halfway point, there were noticeable improvements in the residents’ measurement scores. Final measurements revealed significant improvements in the majority of metrics, with 80% percent of residents showed improvement in the “Timed Up and Go”. Grip strengths were up generally and activity tracker scores showed that the residents had become increasingly active over a 24-hour period. On sports day, one woman who could not recall the last time she ran, was seen sprinting off with her companion four-year-old in order to beat the competition.
At the start of the experiment, nearly all of the residents were identified as depressed, two of them severely. After six weeks, none of them was registered as depressed. They had completely changed their outlook on life and in their hope for the future. Even the most sceptical person within the group, who had been heard to say “I can’t really see it making any great difference to us”, admitted that the children had brought “great joy”.
Lifting spirits
This was not a scientific trial or a traditional academic research project. It was a social experiment involving a very small group of people. But the results showed marked changes in the residents’ physical ability and mood.
When you get very old you become less mobile, friends die, and you can’t get out to meet people. If you live in a care home, the only younger people you see every day are staff. That’s why depression is the epidemic of old age – and it’s important for us to present opportunities for them to meet young people.
Children are open minded. They love attention and take an interest in adults. At the same time, children learn quite mature skills from adults, so this inter-generational engagement is reciprocal.
You can’t cure arthritis completely, but you can increase confidence and, with the help and encouragement of the children, we saw our older folks doing things they never imagined they’d do again – jumping, dancing and rolling around on the floor.
As a consequence of our television experiment, significant developments are underway within the trust which took part in the program. Contact with the children and their families has been encouraged and continued. They are investigating additional ways to increase socialisation of the residents with surrounding communities. And plans are even in place to build a permanent nursery in one of the trust’s homes.
Many older adults live depressed lives in isolation with sadness, hopelessness, and negative feelings toward the self. This experiment has shown that, within a short timeframe – and where people share a similar vision of intergenerational mixing – it is possible to bring about significant enhancement in the well-being of older people.
To help New Zealanders understand what David Seymour’s ‘End of Life Choices Bill’ entails, and what it would mean in Practice, MAXIMINSTITUTE hosted two visiting UK experts at their recent MIC event.
Baroness Ilora Finlay is Professor of Palliative Medicine at Cardiff University. She has been President of the Medical Women’s Federation, President of the British Medical Association, President of the Royal Society of Medicine and is President of the Chartered Society for Physiotherapy. She also chaired the Association for Palliative Medicine of Great Britain and Ireland, and since 2014 has chaired the National Council for Palliative Care.
Robert Preston worked in Whitehall as a civil servant for 30 years. In that role he examined Lord Joffe’s Private Member’s Bill, “Assisted Dying for the Terminally Ill” and he is now Director of the think-tank, Living and Dying Well, which works to examine the objective evidence surrounding the controversial end-of-life debate and publishes research to help inform Parliament and the public.
Both came to be involved in the issue of assisted suicide and euthanasia through their involvement in the 2005 British Select Committee that conducted a comprehensive investigation of the practices of assisted dying around the world. Following the conclusion of that inquiry, both have continued as advocates of improved elder and palliative care, as well as working to oppose legalised assisted suicide and euthanasia.
Both presentations were highly informative, however, the Q&A segment was extremely illuminating. Below is the list of questions asked from the floor with the timestamp on the video.
1:25 Q: Who are you to tell someone who is in pain that they can’t do what they want? If it’s their life, shouldn’t they have the right to do what they want?
4:20 Q: Can palliative care really relieve all suffering? Aren’t there going to be people who still suffer even with the best care we can offer?
5:20 Q: How do the safeguards in David Seymour’s End of Life Choices Bill compare to the safeguards required by similar laws in The Netherlands, Oregon, Belgium etc.?
8:25 Q: Do you think there’s any chance your views on assisted suicide would shift if one of your own family members was ill, in agony, and wanted help to end their pain?
13:30 Q: Purely this is too important a question to trust to just 121 MPs in Parliament. Shouldn’t we settle the issue of euthanasia with a binding referendum so the people can decide?
16:00 Q: Isn’t opposition to euthanasia just driven by religious views? How do you think religion interacts or should interact with this subject?
16:50 Q: You talk about the Hippocratic Oath – “first do no harm.” Proponents of euthanasia have made legal arguments that suggest denying people access to legal assisted suicide means that we’re essentially forcing them to continue suffering, and in essence, doing harm to them. Also, they say that people who want to die on their own terms may choose to commit suicide before they lose capacity, effectively shortening the life they could have had if they were certain someone else could end their life for them later on. How do you respond to these arguments?
20:55 Q: You talk negatively about the rising numbers of people using euthanasia and assisted suicide in the Netherlands and Oregon respectively. Isn’t this just showing that legalising it is giving people options that they want? Is it necessarily a bad thing to see rising levels of euthanasia?
23:45 Q: It seems that a lot of this debate isn’t just about levels of pain, but it’s the idea that any level of suffering or loss of autonomy is something we should have the right to avoid. How do you address those sorts of concerns?
26:20 Q: In your experience in public debate around assisted suicide in the UK, what’s one argument that you have found really resonates with people?
30:35 Q: What about situations where someone is in agony because of their condition, but simply ceasing medical treatment won’t allow them to die? Isn’t there a case for assisted suicide then?
Looking for more articles on Euthanasia and the debate in New Zealand?
For more information about the Te Whakaora Tangata R3 Challenge, to register yourself or a team, or to donate… visit 
